


Letters

by serafinabellasera



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-07-11 08:11:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7040335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serafinabellasera/pseuds/serafinabellasera
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oliver writes Felicity a letter apologizing for the baby mama drama.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Letters

Dear Felicity,

I have tried countless times to get the courage to talk to you about the events that led up to our break up, but have failed each and every time. I screwed up. I screwed up big time and it cost me the thing that is most precious to me – you. I thought it might be easier for both of us if I wrote out what happened with William just so you know my side of the story, and maybe one day you’ll be able to forgive me for the pain I’ve caused you. 

There are no words to truly express the deep ache that resides in me now that we are no longer together. I know. I know. It’s my fault. I’ve made some pretty stupid decisions over the course of my life, but not trusting you with this information as soon as I learned about it takes the cake. I wish I could say that it was only Samantha’s ultimatum that forced me to keep my mouth shut, but that’s not true. Since you came into my life, losing you has been my biggest fear. I allowed that fear to control me which has lead to some pretty spectacular mistakes. Not telling you everything about what happened to me while I was away, throwing in with Malcolm Merlyn in an effort to defeat the league, pushing you away when all I really wanted was to hold you close, and lastly not trusting you with the information about my son or consulting with you when I decided to send him and his mother away. Looking back, I can see how those decisions must have made you feel – unimportant and not enough. Neither of those statements are true, but I can see now how by trying to go this alone must have hurt you. I am truly sorry for that.

I’ve wanted to apologize to you ever since I learned my son was alive. I know you may not be able to do it today or even in the near future, but I hope for your sake that you will one day forgive me for keeping secrets, for being an absolute idiot, for not trusting you when all you have done for me over the last three years. 

I would like to try and put into words the everything that has happened with William so that you will know the whole story. I don’t expect it to change your mind or somehow magically make our relationship better, but I would like tell you about how I came to learn about my son and give you a little insight into my poor choices. 

I learned that William didn’t die like Samantha told me when we went to help keep Kendra safe from Vandal Savage. Barry and I were grabbing coffee at Jitters and this nine-year-old boy accidentally dropped his Flash toy right at my feet. I picked it up, and made some comment about the Flash, and handed it back to him. It was like staring into a mirror. He looked so much like I did at that age that I couldn’t help but watch as he ran back to his mother. That’s when I knew. Samantha, the girl I got pregnant, was standing there with our son. They grabbed their drinks and headed out. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe, and for a very long second I wondered what it would mean if I just left it alone. But I couldn’t do that. I needed to know why Samantha had lied to me all those years ago and why she hadn’t come to me after I’d been resurrected. 

When I told you I needed to take care of something when we were in Central City, I was going to meet with Samantha to find out the truth. I tracked her down to a quiet suburban neighborhood. 

When I approached the house, I could see how nervous Samantha became. She sent William inside so he wouldn’t hear us talk. I told her that I knew that William was my son and I demanded to know why she hid the truth from me all these years. 

It all comes down to my mother and who I was pre-island. My mother paid Samantha $1 million dollars to lie to me and tell me that she lost the baby. God I wish she was here so I could give her a piece of my mind. I didn’t believe her. So she went into the house and pulled out the check that she never cashed with my mother’s signature. Samantha’s main concern now is that with me running for mayor that she had no desire to drag William into the spotlight and asked if I really thought that bringing him into my life was a good, healthy decision. 

Samantha then proceeded to explain to me that the only way that I would be allowed to meet William is if I didn’t tell him that I was his father and that I would keep it hidden from everyone else in my life – including you. I begged her to reconsider, telling her that I didn’t want to lie to you about something this big. She wouldn’t budge. So I relented, agreeing to not say a word of it to anyone. I was able to meet William and play action figures with him for a little bit before returning to help the team with Vandal Savage.

This is where the story will get a little weird. You can check with Barry later if you want. Barry told me that he time traveled back to earlier in the day warning me about what happens in the future. In his future, when I returned from meeting with Samantha and William, you learned that I was William’s father from the DNA test Barry ran earlier that day. We fought about it and you broke up with me. Barry didn’t know all of the details about the break up, but in my mind that played on one of my worst fears – losing you.

Apparently because of our breakup over finding out I had a son that I hadn’t told you about, I was distracted. When we went to fight Vandal Savage we lost. Barry told me everyone died and Central City was destroyed. 

I couldn’t take that chance the second time around. So I kept silent and didn’t have Barry run the DNA sample since he’d already told me that in the other timeline when he ran it, it was a match. My plan had been to tell you about it after we had defeated Vandal Savage. When we did defeat Savage, Barry pleaded with me not to tell you claiming temporal backlash or something like that. He also said to me as someone who grew up without knowing his father, I should do whatever it took to know and be there for my son. 

I was at war with myself. On one hand, I wanted desperately to get the chance to know my son. I’ve lost so much in the last eight years, especially family and friends, and the thought of adding William to that list was more than I could bear. On the other hand, I didn’t want to lie to you about such a big development in my life, our lives. I was so scared that if I told you the truth about William, that you would leave me. You would see yet another reminder of the failure of a man I was prior to the island. Compounding the issue was the fact that I had kept it a secret from you. I knew I was risking your trust, but at the time I thought that only Samantha, Barry and I knew William was my son, and that would keep him safe from all that was going on in our lives in Star City.

I was wrong, so wrong Felicity. I regret waiting to tell you about William until Damien Darhk forced my hand. As soon as I learned that others like Thea and Malcolm knew about William I should have told you. No scratch that. I should have told you once we got home from Central City and you asked me about what was going on with me. I broke your trust by not sharing with you what was going on and endangered my son in the process. 

I also wanted to apologize for not including you in my decision to send William and Samantha away. I was caught up in my own emotions with having to rescue him from Darhk, and had received advice from Dig and Mari about what they thought of my situation, so it didn’t cross my mind to come and talk this out with you. Looking back, I realize how insensitive that was of me, especially given the history you have with your own father. Regardless of the decision I made, you were going to be my wife, which means we should have talked about it, along with what our thoughts on having kids would look like given our current lifestyle. I know we’d teetered around the subject, but we never did fully discuss what each of us wanted in terms of kids.

I have never been very good at placing myself in other people’s shoes and considering how my actions impact and effect them. I was a selfish prick before the island satisfied with getting by on my looks and my trust fund. My island experience created this insane need in me to try and control everything around me because to give up control meant death. 

I want to get better at trusting the people in my life, but I don’t know how to turn off the switch that the island flipped in me. I want to learn how to fully trust someone – you in particular, if you will let me - but that idea scares the hell out of me 95% of the time. Even when we were together, there was a part of me that always felt like I was only one wrong move away from completely wrecking our relationship. Turns out I was right. 

Being with you was easy and gave me a tremendous sense of peace. It’s what I imagine home to feel like. Letting you see all of me and trusting that it wouldn’t cause you to run was not. No matter how much we had gone through as a team, the horrors I faced and the atrocities I committed in the 5 years I was away left deep soul groove that made it so hard for me to believe that you would still love me and want to stay with me if you knew all the broken pieces. My brain knew that it was a lie, that you had proven time and time again that you could love the unlovely pieces of my soul, even when I wasn’t able to do it for myself, but my heart was not convinced. None of that is your fault. Your love has been the greatest gift I have ever received. I only wish I could love you with the same level of all encompassing, unconditional love that you showed me, not allowing my fear and self-loathing to get in the way. 

No matter what happens in the future, I want you to know you are my happy story. Loving you has been the greatest gift of my life. Even if we never get back together, I want to say thank you for the memories, the friendship, the hope and the light you brought back to me when I didn’t know or think it possible.

I love you Felicity Smoak. 

You are my always, I hope that one day I earn the chance to be yours. 

Oliver


End file.
